AlamoPA Mailing List: TOOLS AND THEIR USES

[M.J. Trebenskie (skie999]

Happy Tuesday everyone!

 

I have used most of these tools for the purposes as shown 

 

 

 

 

 

TOOLS AND HOW TO USE THEM

 

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

 

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor

touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench

with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses

from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit'.

 

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock

out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer

across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you

had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

 

Channel Locks:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle...

It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,

and the more you attempt to influence its course,

the more dismal your future becomes.

 

 

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer

intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for igniting various

flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire.

Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel

hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch

wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

Very effective for digit removal !!

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after

you have installed your new brake shoes,

trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used

by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces

that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on

the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

 

 

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength

of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids

or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and

splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,

as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to

convert common slotted screws into non-removable

screws and butchering your palms.

 

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip

or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

PVC PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

 

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war,

the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod

to locate the most expensive parts adjacent

to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons

delivered to your front door. Works particularly well

on contents such as seats, vinyl records,

liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,

and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing

work clothes, but only while in use.

 

And lastly ……..

 

SON OF A BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across

the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch'

at the top of your lungs. It is also,

most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

 

 

 

 

--

ghrock4 [at] gmail.com

 

 

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